I feel like things are meant to mean something

“My school has come to an end…”

How many times am I supposed to shout this out loud until it finally moves me?

I don’t know how I should be feeling or… Often, this is the case with me that I don’t know what I’m supposed to feel or react to what’s going around me. Often, I feel lost. I feel like I’m losing something, something that I’ve not been aware of yet, something that I didn’t care for much. Something that would make a difference but I don’t know what.

Few things in my life are the ones that I actually care for without having people to yell at me that they should matter to me, like: money, like prestige, honor, 4.0 grade, or family. A few things that matter to me but what people don’t deem it necessary. Writing, arts, traveling, exploring; they move me, shape me and turn me into a completely different person yet, they ask me to keep myself away from it. They call it hazardous. People say, they make one insane, make them lose their senses but, when I come to think of it, they’re what keep my senses right, what keep me on sense.

I feel like the line someone once wrote on his blog:

Slowly but surely, I am travelling down a path that I do not want to go down but seem to have no agency to stop…

I feel like I’m walking down a path I shouldn’t be. Something doesn’t feel right. No, something just doesn’t feel right. I’ve tried to shut myself and actually see what’s it that I’m not doing right or isn’t right for me but I’ve not got the answer. I’ve tried reading and pause it, I couldn’t stop myself from feeling that something was wrong. And now, when I’m writing I feel soooooo much insecure I don’t know what am I supposed to write or say or do but it’s the only thing that never ceases to give me a weird sense of relief like nothing else. And there’s arts, paintings, drawings, and then, basketball. I’ve given them up. For such a long time from now, I can barely score a shot and I draw shit. I’ve tried reading my course books but they just don’t feel like they’re for me. It’s so hard to get what’s written there. They’re like riddles, and written in some other language I didn’t know existed. I’ve tried so hard to read but failed that now, every time I hold my subject book I feel like shit for not knowing things. I stare at the same pages for hours and still fail to understand or memorize what’s there. The teachers in my school were equally frustrating for they said at least a hundred times that I don’t study, I’m not made for reading science, and I’m a class spoiler and this and that. It’s also my fault that I don’t take the praises that they give me, I feel like they’re lying, afterwards. I feel like a complete failure. And when I look around the class, almost all the students are turning their heads down in shame and fear that they’ll ruin their exam again, ruin -in all of their own definitions- scoring less than 90, less than 80 or literal fail (i.e. >40). I counsel the friends I can but I get tried myself. I get frustrated with this system humans created to enslave themselves.

Now, those actual real gold days -which were once a lived history- are false expectations and fantasies. Of living in our own terms, minding our own businesses, our own houses, our own families, not giving a damn about what somebody, that’s not related to us by any means, wore on last Thursday night. How fun it would be to raise our own children, go on a sublime safari on our own community forests than a world tour to Instagram it? How meaningful life would be to save ourselves and our friends when they need us at their worse than to donate a hundred rupee to post it on Facebook? And, not commit crimes ourselves than to stand as a twitter intellectual?

There’s so much that we’re losing as a human, these days. We’re trading our happiness and skills for pseudo programming. Every day, in the name of civilization, with every step forward we’re moving backwards. We’re turning back to what we used to be, dwelling into something that doesn’t exist in the real time.