Writing with worries.

Dear mom,

It amazes me how I had managed to remember the date today maybe; it's the news that made it so. Sorry mom, that I'm back here after 11 days and still, it was the unexpected news that made me write. You already know they are best to write about, they thrill me every time. The news I heard today was the same, about our neighboring countries which are on cold war.

I wanted to be called a writer as the best thing we could do was - write. When I looked up to what other people had to say, I always questioned, 'How can anybody write in such a way? Where does it come from?'  Where they were the questions I had managed to be asked often when I wrote about the things I felt in an exaggerated way but it never satisfied the hunger to write more efficiently.

WAR was always a topic I had wanted to compose about and so were; the sky, the flowers, the people, the rain but my pen or brushstrokes never supported me to or call it my heart that only made me write about how I felt this/that, words, my days, blah and blah. I always envied my friend when she'd tell me how beautiful the sky seemed and that she'd paint it as soon as she was back home from school. I envied her because they were what I always longed to but what my eyes could never see but today wasn't the same, mom.

Today I question myself, was I living in a bubble all these years?

Well, it started long before I thought it too. It was a dream of 10 years old me to open an orphanage dreaming the impossible; eliminating hunger and violence from the world but little did I know how much it would cost to build a world like that.

Everything started to make sense. The stars, the trees, the sky, the hills even my friends! Mom, today I could feel the air around me gently hitting me to come out and join him where we'd dance following the steps of the leaves with the rhythm of the birds chirping. I saw it today, how the sky changed its hundred colors as it turned dawn to dusk. Today, my classmates seemed like friends that I accepted their proposal for joining the group dancing in the school program, you already know, I never danced. I was full of vulnerable emotions today, as I was sinking in the puddle of my stupid thoughts, making 'til ko pahad' as always, the dance song begun like "paschim ko maya purba lai" and it made sense too. My mind buzzed welcoming other similar songs which sounded so stupid days ago but which made a lot of sense today, "Nepali hami rahaula kahan Nepalai na rahey..." maybe it was the fear of losing one's nation being concerned about the fresh war emerging in its neighboring nations. It was like an alarm for arising war, perhaps, another world war? And it would scare me more if it was, because we Nepalis are no more the same, the same linking blood of our great warriors certainly flows in our veins but we aren't the same, perhaps, the genes escape? Mom, we do not seem to be the beings from the great Gorkhalis because we are nowhere strong like they were but still throw the stories of their great victories. I want to question, do you think we would win the battles of today's world like our warriors did? Using the khukuris? How long? If it is through airstrike? Mom, I hope you aren't silly to answer 'yes'. You know, it is totally absurd for us to think we would save our nation because there is no way we would win a war showing khukuris towards the sky when they are throwing bombs upon us. And we can imagine how miserable the condition would be. Mom, I don't know what I should be asking for? More weapons? Because nobody is going to listen to the cry of a victim to stop the damn war and without more modernized weapons we could no longer exist.

But mom, I don't wish for any more wars further because your daughter understands how one day's attack affects the people's life, about how we are concerned about little things in our life like getting home for lunch after school and the Saturday morning late wake-ups but absurd it started to seem to worry about the C.Maths tests in the morning classes when the next part of the world feared of not getting to open their eyes the next hour.

Mom, as I was walking to school early morning, I saw an inanimate rat squeezed and rolled over by the vehicles, even the cats were refusing to get near him, I don't think any animate being would want such tragic events for another, even if it's his rival. Then, why are we humans so inhuman?

Mom, now I have started to fear not seeing you for the next time in this life because the next day, next hour could bring anything, like, anything! Life is so unpredictable these days, I know you'd have asked to shut my inauspicious words if I was near you but this is how it goes nowadays. I also think that all these things are just the result of my overthinking but you say it yourself, would anyone sane seek for violence when we have the power in our hands to adjust with peace?! This all makes me only question two things now. If God exists why did he create us; stupid morons? And why does he have to punish the culprit rather than avoiding the wrongdoing itself?